This House (Modern Plays) by James Graham

Author:James Graham [Graham, James]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781408173121
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing PLC
Published: 2012-08-15T04:00:00+00:00

Government Whips’ Office.

Taylor Are you alright, Denis?

Stirlingshire West Ponces, couldn’t, couldn’t throw a decent punch if – ow.

Cocks Alright, Joe, talk, how come on the second vote our numbers went up by one?

Harrison Look, we won the vote, Michael, Christ, will you look at this, they’ve caused a bloody riot, them, / over there, we should be focusing our attention on bloody them –

Cocks Did we bring a man back in who we’d pa – Listen to me! Joe?! Walter?! Who was it, at the last minute? Did we slip someone back in who was meant to be paired off?

Harrison No, look, we agreed on six pairs and we gave them six pairs –

Harper We found out Agriculture Minister was delayed in Denmark and / hadn’t told us –

Harrison Hadn’t told us, there, exactly, and a Minister requires a pair, so he became our sixth man to sit out, which meant we could bring one of the others back in.

Cocks You brought … is that – ? / That’s not … wait –

Harrison We agreed six pairs and they got six pairs, Michael.

Weatherill (bursting in) Michael, Walter, someone explain where your extra man came from.

Cocks Oi, this is the Government Whip’s Office, did you knock? / Go out and knock!

Weatherill Who was the Member that took your tally up from / 303 to 304?

Cocks Did you knock on that door?! Did you knock on the door?!

Weatherill Alright! Knock, blimey, I’ll knock, bloody …

He exits, closing the door. He knocks on the door.

Harrison We’re not in.

Weatherill (bursting back in) God damn it, Walter!

Harrison (laughing) Alright, I’m sorry. Jack, oi. Listen. You bugger. I’m sorry. OK?

Weatherill (beat; calms; smiles, a little) I’m sorry. It …

Cocks We can sort this out.

Weatherill Do you know how serious this is? This is really serious.

Harrison Jack.

Weatherill The vote on our Opposition motion was a tie, 303 each, do we agree on that?

Harrison Jack. Look –

Weatherill There was a second division, on your motion, and the vote this time was different. It was us, 303, and you, 3-0-4. Which means someone who hadn’t been there at the first vote was there in the second. Now how can that be, unless someone you paired with one of our chaps came back into the lobby when he shouldn’t have done. How?!

Harrison The Agriculture Minister, Jack. He’s in Denmark, right, and he wasn’t paired.

Weatherill Wasn’t pai – ? Well, had you asked for a pair, did you ask Fred for one?

Harper It was you lot, you needed six pairs, and we gave you six –

Atkins, Silvester and Esher storm in with Speaker who has a thick book.

Atkins COCKS! I demand to / know what you did!

Cocks Uh, excuse me, all you, / out of this office!

Weatherill Fred, the Agriculture Minister was away, did you pair him?

Silvester What? No, he wasn’t one of them, it was –

Atkins Oh, really!

Harrison Wait, just bloody listen, Jesus! We agreed pairs, six of ours stepped out, six of yours, but we actually had seven out

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